Back to Running...

Today was the first day I went for a run for at least a month. Being on the Cambridge Diet meant no exercise (that does sound a little crazy in hindsight) and I just got out of the swing.

Something has been missing in me lately and it took me until today to click that it was running. I just felt...miserable. Sad, not as well equipped to cope with life. Weak, physically and mentally.

And tonight was a perfect reminder to me of what I 'get' from running. That is, time to think, time in nature, time out to appreciate life. I took the dog and as I began my run, I was entranced by how lovely the clouds looked after what has been a wet, wet day.

 

Since I last ran, the trees have started to turn. The Ashes are now a bright, luminous yellow.

 

 

Shamefully, I don't know what this tree is, but just the tips of the branches in the hedgerows are turning a beautiful fiery orange;

 

 

 

the sloes were bright but deep blue;

and the hips bright scarlet.

As I turned to come back, I was rewarded with this beautiful, breath-taking sunset. The most stunning pinks, purples and yellows, which came almost out of nowhere.

 

 

Part of the reason I have picked up blogging again is this - focussing my mind on appreciating things in life I might have missed. I have been reading a book about mindfulness lately and I really see the value in appreciating what you have, rather than looking out at what you don't.

 

So in the mindfulness spirit, I stood for a while in the field, just watching as the little dog sniffed about the trees. Birds were chattering in the hedgerows, settling down for the night, and a train slipped past in the distance. It was a lovely moment. And to think - I cold have been cooped up indoors, watching Eastenders!

 

Although it was only a couple of miles, it was a great re-introduction to running again - it felt good to be moving in that rhythm that my body just knows so well. It felt great to be hot, to be smelling the tang of wet leaves and the beginnings of decay in the air. I loved it!

 

Bulbs and Soreness and Acts of Faith

I spent a backbreaking day yesterday in the garden, planting hundreds of bulbs.

I ummed and ahhhed over what to buy for ages. Did I want the traditional, garish yellow daffodil, or to go all delicate white narcissus instead? I agonised over whether to fork out for clashing pink and orange parrot tulips, to go all-white (boring or pure and elegant?) and various other combinations.

But I decided that the most important thing was just to get on with it - the season is charging ahead, and time to plant bulbs is running out. One thing is for sure - the only thing that looks worse than some tulips, is no tulips.

So, I went for six kilos of mixed daffs, and some cheap pink/white tulips, with 60 alliums 'Purple Sensation' They were there, they were cheap and they were in the ground three hours later!

I have gone for groups of twelve tulips, spaced around the borders, daffs dotted about in drifts of 3-7 and have under-planted the lavender with alliums, so that they hover above like floating pompoms.

It is such an act of faith, planting bulbs. Like orchestrating the slowest firework display ever. But come spring, I will be so glad I did. Knowing they are in the ground, slowly doing their thing as we go about our winter, is a lovely feeling. Who knows what life will hold in store for the spring?

And to keep me going while I wait...

Distinctly Pedestrian Garden Overhall

A year ago, if you’d have said to me that I would be ripping out cottage garden perennials, and replacing them with ‘low maintenance shrubs’ I would have laughed in your face or broken down in tears.

 

But, after a soul-destroying, non-stop summer watching the weeds grow and the perennials die, I succumbed and did the ‘sensible’ thing – created a front garden that may have a chance of staying tidy (we don’t have a back garden).

I have this bohemian hang-up that it’s OK to have a messy garden as long as it is pretty – plants not staked properly, but rustically spilling over each other in a riot of colour etc… However, it is not pretty or tidy when those perennials are choked by bindweed and other weeds, starved of nutrients and dying of thirst, because you don’t have time to a) weed or b) water. It is just a bit sad.

So, I spent the weekend setting up a garden that looks smart, if not riveting. I dug the borders, removing the cottage garden perennials, which will be temporarily re-homed in a spare patch at my parents.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I took my credit card to the local garden centre, and came away with some shrubs - nothing exciting but selected so they at least contrast in leaf shape, texture or colour. Most are evergreen, because I will be relying on them to form the main structure/interest in this otherwise featureless garden. I came away with Cotinus ‘Grace’; Escallonia; Choysia Ternata ‘Sundance’ (two either side of the gate so the scent catches you as you walk past in the spring); Ecuba Japonica and Euonymous, a Dogwood and a Weigela. I can’t say I love them –they are the sort of shrubs you find in a carpark in Swindon (apart from the Cotinus – I have always loved them). However, they will do the job. If I really can’t live without colour, the perennials can be planted back in the summer, in-between the shrubs.

I tackled the raised beds in between us and our neighbour –which had gotten overgrown with tough ivy and weeds, and replanted with lavender, for summer colour and generally good weed control.

I then tackled the lawn. A long tenancy with a huge dog before us had left bare, scorched patches, there was a moss issue and vast swathes covered in weeds.
 

 

I dug out the worst weed patches, and firmed/raked the topsoil to form a seedbed. I raked all of the moss out of the lawn with a spring rake – my poor abdominals! And lastly, after a good soaking with the hose, I re-seeded with a tough grass seed mix.
 

 

It looks terrible now, I appreciate. But give it a fortnight, and there should be a carpet of fresh green shoots. A nice, neat lawn with sharp edges, weed free beds with nicely shaped shrubs and the finishing touch…my lovely box planters (a birthday present). If nothing else, it will be sharp and easy on the eye and most importantly I won’t want to die of shame every time I enter the house.

 

 

Goodbye Cambridge, hello....

I feel I owe an explanation.

 

So, I came off the Cambridge diet with a thump. And, in the 14 days since I did so, I am sorry to say I am right back where I started!

What a disaster. So, what happened?

 

I don’t blame the diet. The Cambridge plan works – it is easy (once you get over the three day slide into Ketosis). It gets results fast, and the resulting motivation means you keep going. I lost 12lbs in two weeks, and had begun to progress into the next steps that would have seen me gradually re-introduce food and start to exercise. Had I carried on this process, I am pretty confident I would have maintained the weight loss.

 

So why did I stop if it was all so easy?

 

Well, I know this sounds like the most outlandish and extreme excuse to get out of a diet plan – but, I just woke up one morning and decided: I wanted to get pregnant. Well, in particular, the morning after my 34^th Birthday. Reading back through my reasons for starting in the first place, of course a lot of them still stand. But the urgency of having a baby before it is too late has overridden them all. Including not wanting to be a fat bride – who does? But we may have to re-think the order of things a little and that isn't really on the cards at the moment.

 

I feel the need to write something a bit more detailed about this fairly momentous and out-of-the-blue decision as thing are still sinking in, but the short answer is that the Cambridge Plan is not suitable for those trying to conceive, because of the fast weight loss (according to the Cambridge website).

 

After a fortnight of eating everything in sight, my focus now is on eating healthily and fertility-friendly foods. In a way I feel I let the plan down – so many people were so fast to dismiss it and point out that ‘it will all pile back on’. That did happen to me, but because I didn’t follow the phased approach to eating food again. I don’t think I am a very good example, and I know people who have transitioned back into ‘normal eating’ beautifully without any problems. So, if you are considering it, I would definitely give it a go. 

But not for me, baby!

Cambridge Diet Journal

Days 1-3

Well, here I am at day 3 and so far, so good.

Day 1 was OK - hard, I suppose, but the novelty value saw me though. I felt hungry - my stomach rumbled and rumbled. I had doubts, but I got through it fine. I think the key was taking things easy - rather than try and push myself, I treated myself to an evening in front of the TV, wrapped in a blanket and it was heaven!

Day 2 was not as easy - I had a horrible headache for most of the day, so took paracetamol, and it went away. Still, I felt a bit lethargic and 'out of it' for most of the day. The oriental chilli soup for dinner was actually really nice, and after that, and a walk in the evening sunshine, I felt much happier, and energised. I got some gardening and ironing done, which took my mind off things nicely and I felt great.

Day 3 - today, has been fine too. It really is a case of mind over matter. When I am busy at work, I don't have a chance to think about things, and it's fine. I am just not thinking about food at all. I see a picture of it on the internet, and I just skim past. I see someone eating it, and it is almost at this point like my brain shuts off and thinks 'that's something other people do'. I don't doubt for a moment that it will always be this easy, but now I am properly into the glycolysis stage I should think, the hunger pangs should recede (not that they have been that bad) and the energy should increase.

Well here I am – day 14 and still going strong!

I had a weigh in today and am pleased to say I am a delicious 4 lbs off this week, making a total loss of 12lbs in 2 weeks!

 

Let me just hold the thought for a minute – this diet WORKS like no other.

 

Already, I am fitting into clothes I haven’t worn for about six months. It is such a lovely feeling, putting something on and squealing with delight as it glides on without getting stuck or pulling anywhere. My face no longer looks bloated – I can tell around my cheekbones that I look slimmer. I ordered a size 12 dress and it fitted! All of these things are simply wonderful.

 

And how hard has it been? There is no question it has been worth it. The porridge in the mornings, I look forward to. They aren’t real food of course, but they actually taste quite nice I think. The SpagBol (enhanced with a little bit of basil and chilli) OMG – warming, spicy and I love it. And the shakes in the evening, sipped on the sofa – especially the chocolate – delicious. I am quite fond of them and look forward to them in the evenings.

 

In the last few days I have started to feel hungry, especially around 3pm in the afternoon, which has made me a bit miserable. But this did coincide with a uni project from hell, and my state of mind probably didn’t help! Generally though, I am delighted that I haven’t felt hungry at all.

 

I am ready to move to the next level, which will allow me to have a yoghurt and larger meal as well as my three products a day.  So excited to think that I am almost half way to goal already, and it’s only been a fortnight. No other plan gives you such a head start, or makes the prospect of losing weight seem like a temporary thing that can be endured. Determined to get over the hurdles ahead and see this through.

Ok, Shizzle just got hard!

It’s day 17 and I am at least 12lbs down.

I am within a week of TOTM and suddenly, almost with an audible whoosh, came the bad times! Now I keep thinking about chocolate and fudge and the yoghurt bar I have waiting for me at home…about opening a bottle of wine tonight and chatting with my man.

All sorts of lingering doubts are creeping in…do I even want to be slim, aren’t I fine as I am…shall I skip to step 3…what’s the point…bored of this now…totm means I won’t have a loss anyway on the scales next week etc. I looked at the snack box in the kitchen, and for the first time in almost three weeks, I was tempted.

This is when I need to bring out the big guns. This is when I need to remember the poem – 'It’s when things seem worst that you MUST NOT QUIT'.

Preparing Coping Strategies in Advance

So much of my internal reward system is caught up with food and eating. Bad day? Hit the pub for a feel-better beer. Deserve a treat to celebrate Friday night? Have a pizza or takeaway. Can’t be bothered to cook? Order in something.  I need to break the habit, and swap out these food and drink rewards for something else, to remind myself that there are other things in life than food.

I thought it would be useful to have a plan in place when these non-hunger related triggers hit: 

Bad Day Beer – what this serves to do is allow me to go to the pub and chat/moan/cry to my boyfriend. There is no reason why we can’t have a chat doing something else – such as walking around the park with the dog. It is the 1 to 1 time I crave, not necessarily the beer. It also takes my mind off the situation – so I could watch something good on TV instead – anything so that I don’t have to think about whatever bad thing has happened at work.

Comfort Food – what this gives me is a food-cuddle. I feel safe and reassured, and like I am indulging and it’s OK. I could substitute this for going to bed guilt-free and hiding under my duvet.

 

Treat – when I have the devil in me, it is almost like I want to sabotage myself. I enjoy the feeling of being dangerous and doing something reckless and the gratification element. But it is a fairly short term thing. I could instead take myself into town and have my nails done. This is still dangerous – I can’t afford it! But it is gratifying, and it doesn’t involve food. I could also go and buy a magazine – again, expensive and gratuitous, but enjoyable. Or a trip to the spa at the local leisure centre – I always really enjoy the relaxation. Or the garden centre, to buy something pretty, or a houseplant (I have a serious houseplant fetish). I will swap these out next time.

Feast with Family –so often, food is used as a reason to make social events count. Families and friends meet to break bread, eat drink and be merry. If you take food out of the picture, what are you meeting up for exactly? I don’t intend to miss out on spending time with my lovely family, but there are other things we can do. I can just pop over for a cup of tea; to help them with their gardening; meet at the coffee shop for a (black) coffee; just go around there to say hello. If it comes to it and I have to eat lunch with them, I can take a soup (this is a common simple weekend lunch in my family) and eat it with them while they eat theirs. Again, it’s not forever. It’s just for a month (the most extreme SS bit).

Boredom – I know I eat because I am bored stiff sometimes. Funnily enough, this is usually during the working week – sometimes at weekends whole days go by without my even thinking about lunch. I just need to keep busy, and this will make me feel better about being in the house too. Ironing, quilting, my uni work (this is going to take up a LOT of time!) and sorting out my garden, all things I can do to keep busy. And when I just want to sit down, I can always suck my thumb! Oral gratification and comfort at the same time –I knew there was a reason I didn’t give it up, even if I do look like a berk!

So there is plenty I can do.

 

Just one more word with myself, to get through the hard times ahead. Here is a message from Now Bonnie to Future Bonnie:

I will feel horrible, it will be sh*tsville and I will feel so sad for myself this week. Hold on! Please give a full week a try! Please don’t let you down, please stay strong even when you feel like giving up, and try some of the above instead when you need a boost. You are going to forget the reasons above, and lose sight of them. But I’ve got you, I’ve got this, and I am telling you, you will be SO glad you did, even if you couldn't see it at the time. 

So I am doing the Cambridge Weight Plan

There has been a change of tack.

It might seem particularly un-healthy effectively giving up food and replacing it with shakes for a few weeks. But I am at my wits end - basically, I need a break from food.

I thought I would spend some time thinking about why I am doing this, so that during the tough times, I can read back and remind myself.

Because I know this is going to be TOUGH. Day 2 and 3 especially, when the body is pre-ketosis and therefore, HUNGRY. It is almost like a mental challenge I have to overcome. I know from those that have gone before me, that it will get better this week and that eventually, I will feel great.

Just keeping in my mind that first weigh-in next Monday – if can get into the single figures within the 11 stones, I would be so chuffed. It’s been months and despite all of my efforts – Slimming World; Weight Watchers; running; high protein – I just couldn’t do it. Being in the 12 stones (I am 12st1) is so demoralising  - a quick sprint down to a more comfortable weight, where I can wear my nice clothes again, would give me such a boost. Then I can start exercising again and toning up.

 So here are my reasons:

 

1.       I do not want to be a fat bride one day (this may happen soon, or it may not) – or to be unable to try on wedding dress samples. My whole life I have looked forward to this and I will be letting myself down in the worst way possible if I end up being a fat bride. I deserve to enjoy the whole process, and not be kicking myself because I couldn’t get my act together. That would be unbelievably painful. No matter how hard it gets!

 

2.       My confidence is suffering – I just don’t feel sexy any more. I feel like a sexless blob – old before my time and just not the attractive person I used to be. This is wrong – I am only 33! I want to feel nice in underwear again. There is no reason why I can’t get into those lovely size 10 bra and knicker sets.

 

3.       Nice Clothes – I have lots! All of those lovely size 12 things in a case under the bed – my black Chanel style dress, grey dress, pencil skirt, nice tops – not to mention being able to buy some nice things too. I want to wear cigarette pants, and a nice roll neck in winter a-la Taylor Swift. I want to be able to wear a nice dress to the Christmas party and feel attractive in it! I want to be able to pull off the preppy jacket and skinny jeans look!

 

4.       Health – maybe it’s wrong that health is low down on the list. I don’t think this is because I don’t care about being healthy – I think it is a symptom of the fact that I don’t feel like this diet is exactly ‘healthy’ – and in fact the lack of fresh food is going to be tough for me. I recon when I eat healthily – avocados, nuts and oily fish,  I can eat enough to maintain, but not to lose. This is a diet to quickly shed the weight, so that I can start again and reset the system eating healthily.

 

5.       Alcohol – Going teetotal is something I have been toying with for a while. This provides the perfect excuse. It will be an interesting experiment. Abstinence is easier than moderation and it is the alcohol lately that has thrown the food off course for me. All too often a pint turns into three pints and three bags of crisps, and then we cave and order a big pub meal instead of going home to cook. This gives me a clear period to abstain, and not be made to feel guilty about it.  

 

6.       Time – I have a lot on my plate at the moment, with Uni and work and life in general. Thinking about food, cooking and washing up is so time consuming – this diet will buy me precious time, which I can put to good use. Also, I am a bit bored of thinking about food. I have been in all sorts of a rut. I just need a break. And I feel like abstinence is actually easier than trying to eat the right food, which has just failed recently. So I have cleared out the fridge and cupboard, locked it all away and in its place have my Cambridge products.

 

7.       My Brothers Wedding –I need to wear a nice dress and feel sophisticated at this big family wedding, not like the ugly sister. I will look forward to it much more if I feel ready.

 

Social events are obviously going to be tough. Already, today I have had to cancel a 3 course marketing lunch. I have cancelled a Beer and Sausage festival at the weekend, and a boozy night with a friend. Basically, it is just tough luck – if anything, I feel empowered to just say ‘no thanks’ to all of these things. It gives me a reason (I am not spending my hard earned cash for nothing!) and I feel good about it.

This plan (the more extreme form) won’t last forever - three months tops. I just need to take this time to do myself a favour and commit 100% for this brief period in my life, to sort myself out. There is no point doing it half-heartedly.

Just like ripping off a plaster, I need to get my head down and just get on with it. There are worse things than not eating out for a few months.

 

It will be hard, I will feel very sorry for myself. When this happens, I will curl up on the sofa under a duvet, or in bed and read, and just weather the storm.  That is what I need to hold on to – weathering the storm.

So, without further ado, I’m doing it!